


Phil V. Technology

by bookglue



Category: Modern Family
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 22:52:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookglue/pseuds/bookglue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Phil Dunphy is cursed. Actually, genuinely, supernaturally cursed, or so he claims, ever since an incident several years back when he, as he puts it, dehumanized the microwave oven they'd had for mere hours, and turned the entire microwave community against him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phil V. Technology

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gigantic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gigantic/gifts).



Phil Dunphy is cursed. Actually, genuinely, supernaturally cursed, or so he claims, ever since an incident several years back when he, as he puts it, dehumanized the microwave oven they'd had for mere hours, and turned the entire microwave community against him. Or at least that's how it started out, with the microwaves. From there the curse expanded (as curses tend to do) to include other kitchen electronics, like the fancy mixer he bought Claire for her thirty-third birthday, or the blender he splurged on the month he was really into margaritas. (After Phil lit the toaster on fire, Claire started supervising any and all of his kitchen expeditions.)

As a result of the curse, Phil fears and respects anyone with a grasp on technology, however limited it may be. When Haley learns to use the coffee maker, an admittedly simple task, Phil announces a no-caffeine-in-the-house rule. Of course, no one listens to it, least of all Haley, but for a few moments he feels as though he's maintaining a bit of control.

A few weeks after the coffee incident and three days after the first non-kitchen appliance (the new flat-screen) breaks down in Phil's presence, Alex announces that she wants an iPod for her birthday. When Claire takes him shopping at Buy More he spends thirty minutes interrogating the guy at the Nerd Herd desk about the likelihood that his GPS has become sentient. They go home with an iPod shuffle and a firmer grasp on _Battlestar Galactica_ mythology; on the way the GPS tries to drive them down a road that has not yet been built.

\--

"It's not just me," Phil tells the cameras. "I mean if it were, fine, whatever, who's gonna believe a microwave is waging war on a nice suburban family, but I have back-up." He is half-sitting at the kitchen table, shifting to keep from turning his back on the offending microwave. "Mitchell believes me about the curse. You ask him."

They do.

"I once told Phil that, because of the way our house creaks, it sometimes sounds like ghosts are pacing the upstairs hall." Mitchell wears the defeated grimace of a man who has had this conversation too many times. "He now believes that I am a closet occultist." Mitchell sighs. "Of course if I were an occultist, I would almost definitely hide that side of myself in the closet. Behind a big padlock and a sign that says 'Do Not Enter Under Fear of Death.'"

\--

Thanks to Luke's propensity for throwing various types of balls inside the house, Phil is often able to pass off his own technological accidents onto Luke's shoulders. He knows Claire will go easy on the punishments, they learned a long time ago that they can't discipline the dumbness out of their only son, and eventually they stopped trying very hard. When something "breaks" at Luke's hand he generally just gets a variation on the same lecture—"Balls/mud/the adopted stray from next door are to be kept, and played with, outside"—and fifteen minutes in the time-out chair.

Whenever Luke gets blamed for something Phil did, Phil tries to find a way to make it up to his son. That usually means father-son bonding time—one of Phil's favorite activities and one of Luke's least favorite—usually just a trip to the supermarket, or to the men's department of Macy's.

But most of the time Phil can console himself with the knowledge that, if he hadn't broken the latest gadget or appliance on his own, his son would have, almost certainly, destroyed it a few hours later.

\--

At some point Claire suggests that they just stop buying new things, but when they try a week without a television Haley throws a hissy fit (something about how if she misses _The Hills_ she'll have nothing to talk about during third period) and Alex claims she'll never get into college if they get rid of her computer.

\--

On Mother's Day 2004, Phil and the kids make Claire breakfast in bed. Or Phil and Alex do, as Haley chooses to get an extra couple hours of sleep instead, and Luke can't be trusted with batter of any kind. They end up with a pretty decent spread: pancakes, bacon, a cup of no-pulp orange juice and a single red rose in a long thin vase, but they clog up the garbage disposal and the house smells like rotting meat for a week and a half.

Every year after that Claire sets her Mother's Day alarm for some absurd hour, sure to be out of bed before Phil can crack the first egg. Most years she even makes the breakfast herself and serves it to the kids (all four of them) in their beds.

\--

"I do not see why he does not just apologize to the microwave," Gloria says to the cameras one Christmas evening after a particularly bad incident involving the electric fireplace and Manny's new lute. "It's the most reasonable way to end a dispute. Whenever Manny gets into a fight at school I just say, 'Apologize and go on with your life.'"

Next to her, Jay rolls his eyes. "The electronics are not conspiring against Phil," he says. "Trust me, if he was more careful he wouldn't break things so often."

\--

For Phil's fortieth birthday, Claire buys him an iPhone. She debates it for a long time, considering the fate his last three phones met, but she knows how much he wants one—just a few weeks before he had spent three hours playing with the light saber app on Dylan's iPhone; when she went to send Dylan home for the night she had to wrestle the toy from Phil's grasp—and with the protection plan she figures it'll last at least two years…maybe.

Ultimately the gift is worth it for the look on his face when he opens the box. "I'm really going to take care of this one, Babe," he says, just before he drops it for the first time. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when it survives the fall, and thirty seconds later Claire has wrestled it into a plastic case, the top rated brand she could find.

"You had better," she says before kissing him on the cheek.

\--

The iPhone lasts about six months before it has to be replaced for the first time, a new record for Phil, and the family throws a party when the next one lasts a year. Jay makes t-shirts for everyone and Manny writes a song. Haley sits in the corner looking bored and frustrated until Alex suggests they play charades (Haley's secret favorite game) with the names of different appliances.

Cameron, always up for a theme party, makes cookies shaped like iPhones, and Mitchell celebrates by purchasing Phil a new protective case.

"What a cool idea for a party!" Dylan announces when he shows up halfway through to pick up Haley.

Everyone pretty much agrees.


End file.
